It's already mid-August

and life seems to blend effortlessly with work and sun. The past two weeks have been surprisingly relaxing and liberating as I've managed to "let go" some of the energy sappers that were clouding my mind and depleting my body. Facing outward and embracing the people and things I love has been truly energizing and allowed my summer to adopt a new spectrum of color.

This month has been full of inspiring friends. I can't even count the number of rejuvenating conversations I've had with people about the staples of the post-graduation present: mainly career dreams, independent living, future qualms and love. Many of these exchanges have occurred over tall glasses of red wine, on sunny evening walks, or in newly-discovered restaurants. My friends continue to surprise and inspire me with their ambitions and stirring philosophies.

Coupled with looking outward, I've also started journaling again and wonder how I've lived without it (or so sparingly with it) over the past year. By the time I was 14 I'd filled over twenty journals- throughout college I filled maybe three. Taking personal time to write has always been an indispensable part of who I am and awakened my deepest understandings of life. Re-embracing my love for introspective writing has helped release some of those negative emotions previously left to fester unexamined. It seems to be essential to my sanity.

This summer has been about both letting go and re-claiming the necessities. Surrounding myself with the people and things I love has allowed me to realize what it is I truly value in both friends and my own identity. I haven't seen Stephen for about a month and two weeks (I finally will this weekend), and this distance has truly helped me recognize how much joy and inspiration he brings to my life. Cultivating love inward and outward makes everything understandable.

August 1st

"Stop focusing on tiny things that don't matter."

This is the best piece of advice I've received lately. I've always been a person brimming with dreams, motivation, creative passion and emotion. Yet while I've been good at "living big," lately I've been all too good at living small.

The past month I've found myself constantly distracted by the miniscule details of the day-to-day, frustrated by tiny endeavors and personal failings, stagnated in a seemingly endless routine that blinds me from what's important and inspiring. While I want so badly to live solely in life's greater picture, to develop the wisdom and ability to focus on its beauty and possibilities, on meaningful relationships, and those philosophies that make everything seem clear and significant- I can't. At least not lately. I'm living at home this summer, working at LA Fitness (I'm there from 11 am to 8 pm most days), and frequently feel restless and irritated. I haven't been writing or creating anything. While I've been making money and working out like crazy, these things don't truly lift or inspire my creative spirit. My mom deserves none of my moodiness and handles it with impressive grace and patience- I want to change my bad attitude.

Stephen and I leave for Japan likely within the next two months. By November I should be living in Osaka or Tokyo, absorbing a new perspective, feasting on delicious sushi and sake, traveling throughout Asia, and living in a tiny (but endearing) Japanese apartment. I want to learn Japanese, make friends from all over, try and soak up everything I can. I also want to write and get back into photography. The world is stretched before me yet I can hardly see it.

I hate feeling trapped within myself, suffocated by my own negative thoughts, preoccupied by things that don't matter. I think the seemingly mundane quality of this "limbo" period is driving me deeper into my obsession with perfection. I've always expected a lot from myself. Who says I need to be productive, loving, creatively active, skinny, interesting, globally aware? Me. I need to allow myself the privilege of just "being" and this fruitfulness and joy will naturally manifest in my summer life. I am these things to a degree, yet self-induced pressure takes a counter-productive effect.

It's time to indulge in the things that free my spirit: reading, writing, crafting, and good conversation. These activities refresh my vision, give me perspective. I stayed up till 1 am last night reading I'm Not Scared and it was so relaxing to get lost in the pages. Upon finishing I felt more creative energy than I have in a long time. Just taking the time to write this morning has made me feel more like myself than I have in a while. It's a new month and it's time to start seeing again.