This is the best piece of advice I've received lately. I've always been a person brimming with dreams, motivation, creative passion and emotion. Yet while I've been good at "living big," lately I've been all too good at living small.
The past month I've found myself constantly distracted by the miniscule details of the day-to-day, frustrated by tiny endeavors and personal failings, stagnated in a seemingly endless routine that blinds me from what's important and inspiring. While I want so badly to live solely in life's greater picture, to develop the wisdom and ability to focus on its beauty and possibilities, on meaningful relationships, and those philosophies that make everything seem clear and significant- I can't. At least not lately. I'm living at home this summer, working at LA Fitness (I'm there from 11 am to 8 pm most days), and frequently feel restless and irritated. I haven't been writing or creating anything. While I've been making money and working out like crazy, these things don't truly lift or inspire my creative spirit. My mom deserves none of my moodiness and handles it with impressive grace and patience- I want to change my bad attitude.
Stephen and I leave for Japan likely within the next two months. By November I should be living in Osaka or Tokyo, absorbing a new perspective, feasting on delicious sushi and sake, traveling throughout Asia, and living in a tiny (but endearing) Japanese apartment. I want to learn Japanese, make friends from all over, try and soak up everything I can. I also want to write and get back into photography. The world is stretched before me yet I can hardly see it.
I hate feeling trapped within myself, suffocated by my own negative thoughts, preoccupied by things that don't matter. I think the seemingly mundane quality of this "limbo" period is driving me deeper into my obsession with perfection. I've always expected a lot from myself. Who says I need to be productive, loving, creatively active, skinny, interesting, globally aware? Me. I need to allow myself the privilege of just "being" and this fruitfulness and joy will naturally manifest in my summer life. I am these things to a degree, yet self-induced pressure takes a counter-productive effect.
It's time to indulge in the things that free my spirit: reading, writing, crafting, and good conversation. These activities refresh my vision, give me perspective. I stayed up till 1 am last night reading I'm Not Scared and it was so relaxing to get lost in the pages. Upon finishing I felt more creative energy than I have in a long time. Just taking the time to write this morning has made me feel more like myself than I have in a while. It's a new month and it's time to start seeing again.